Poor li'l Gummit

So we're to criticize the US Government - and in only 500 words or less? That's tougher than one might think. If this were a scholarly journal my opening string of expletives alone would reach 479 words (I got angry and counted). Therefore, to sharpen my aim I shall choose a small but worthy target and considering that this past week I have had to shuffle my dear relatives through the air travel system, I'm picking the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA).

That's right bub, it's on.

First, let me say that the TSA is, if anything, a cruel practical joke played by the US Government on the American people that was never really very funny. By this, I mean to say that card-holding, tax-paying, law-abiding American Citizen that wants to go somewhere must do all of the following:

• Take off your shoes. Seriously. Barefeet, foot fungus and ugly-ass toes for the world to see.
• Take off your belt. "It gots metal" so take it off.
• Empty all of your pockets into a plastic tray
• Throw away your lethal 99¢ soda (there are safe ones on the other side of the security barrier for $3.50, you understand).
• Display all of your personal fluids in cute little containers in a clear plastic baggy.

Why? Why must we do this? What's the point? If someone really wanted to stir up a ruckus, they could certainly do so as evidenced by all the stuff that accidentally makes it through security. Our TSApes are so preoccupied with checking for hidden bottles of Diet Coke and Apple Laptops that they miss knives, handguns and the like - ignoring completely that every guitar carried on has 6 handy ligatures on it. Beyond that, terrorism is called so because it's about inciting fear, not damage. Our country has had such an exaggerated startle response since 9/11 that in order to cause serious damage one need not buy explosives or hijack airplanes but simply call a federal office and convince someone you're going to. It's because of this very reason that we will likely never see another major attack on US Soil (unless things really go south with Iran, North Korea or China).

So what is the point, really? It's to keep us in line. Just like any abusive parent or lover, the US Gummit periodically delivers an arbitrary command and a bitch-slap to remind us who's in charge. Frankly, I think that's just rude of the TSA. We're already sore from having to pay $400 to sit in a 2-feet-wide seat next to a sweaty guy with a 4-feet-backside.

Who's to blame for all of this? Well, in a government that is "of the people, by the people and for the people" I can fairly well assume that the "people" are the problem. We let it happen. We've handed over many of our civil rights on a silver platter in the hopes that we can be protected from the bad guys and from each other.

It wouldn't be fair to throw around so much blame without offering some sort of solution. To that end, I suggest we vote in the most effective way we know how: by buying things! Well, specifically not buying airline tickets. Drive if you gotta', get a free Skype account if you wanna see Aunt Millie in Vermont, walk to work and don't sacrifice your dignity or your rights for convenience or false security - show some respect for yourself and vote with your dollars.